Dear lost one.

Dear Lost One.

I'm writing this because I'm just tired.
I'm writing this to you because I can't do it anymore.
I'm writing because enough is enough and I want to say goodbye.

Many years have passed, many ups and downs which were mostly my fault, but I can't cope with this one. I'm not strong, as I used to. I'm not invincible as I used to.
A few years ago I was in charge of my relationships. I was giving out the cards and deciding what I want to do. I felt loved and my intention was never to be self-centered. I just loved to feel loved. I still do. However, I've made a mistake, and then another one and I've lost you.
You stopped calling, you stopped writing every day, you stopped loving me the way I love you. You stopped being my best friend. Now you are living day by day happy, and I'm living every day in pain needing someone, needing you.
You are not the reason for my feelings and tears, it started before our problems. Actually, our problems happened because of it. I was alone when I shouldn't be. I was alone when I thought I will never be, and that's why I've failed you.
I'm not trying to find a reason for my behavior because it was my fault. It still is.

Now I'm not invincible, I'm now vulnerable and scared. I was begging you to come back, but I see now that it will never happen. You made me weak, and you loved me strong. I'm not capable of being that, as long as I will hate myself for losing you.
For months in living in this limbo trying to glue the glass that I've broken. I've almost done that actually, but it's not a glass anymore. Is glued, sticky surface, that will never be transparent again.

My lost one, I want to say goodbye. I can't hold on to that pain much longer. I have to give you up in order to finally recover. I can't live on your mercy forever, praying for your attention. You have new friends now, and you can be sure that I will always be jealous of them. However, I need someone who will want me even for a little while. I acknowledge it was my fault but now I can't get you back and die inside in the process.
I want to become that person that I will be proud to be. I want to do my things, not just be jealous of yours. I want to be strong again.
Please remember that I will always love you, and when you I will always have your back. I just need to have my back as well.

with love, xxx