Old self pity diaries

 I find it difficult to separate what other people say about me from what I actually am.

Not in a way that when someone says that I’m toxic, and I believe I’m not. I always believe that you are right - I am scum of the earth toxic, because you just said that. Someone says that I’m not talented? They are right, better to stop making art all together. I unfortunately believe everyone else, and never myself. I don’t really know when it started, and I’m really desperate to stop it...

It’s something that started in my childhood when I always felt worse then my sister, and grew into this - Woman who is not capable of loving herself.

I’m a Leo, I always stood out, I was always loud and funny, people then said that I must be stupid, so I changed that. I made myself small, I made myself quiet.

I have ADHD, I was in a constantly moving and fidgeting, and because of that I stood out. I was visible and people looked at me. I was seen, sometimes as a bad kid, but people SAW me. That was wrong too, I was always the one punished from the whole group. So I changed myself... Now I’m quiet, I avoid groups, and try to stand in a corner. Believe me, if I could be invisible I would. That was the best I could do.

I am a daughter who’s mother in order to made me feel not worse then others, told me I’m not special, I’m the same as every other human, and she was right. However to whom I supposed to be special, when I’m not to my own mother.

I am a dyslexic older sister to a really talented kid, so no matter how hard I tried I never was a straight-A student. Hell with that, my sister is really awesome but she is good at sports, singing, math and even art, but she left that to me because she has more important stuff to do. I was always worse, always the not talented, not sporty, always not good enough... So this is how I feel. How can I feel differently?

Also, how can I feel like this in the era or self love and girls supporting girls? I must be mad!

“You go girl”

“You got this! It’s gonna be great” - it never was.

I am a woman struggling with eating disorders. It started in middle school. I was not a smart or in any way special kid, but I made peace with that. I entered the new crowd without my primary school best friend, and I wanted to fit it. I tried to change everything about myself to make myself more likable. (Including cutting my own bangs and bleaching my hair with some box dye and a bottle of hydrogen peroxide) But I was still different. That’s where I stopped eating breakfast and then give my lunch to other girls in order to be thinner and prettier. I am not friends with most of this girls anymore but I’m still intimidated by them when I see their social media. Before high school I wanted to start fresh, and to not repeat my middle school experience in this new school. I stopped eating all together, excluding some frozen shakes that my friends invited me to. I lost the weight, made my hair blonde and went to the new school with the agenda of Being “the cool girl” That’s when my binge-eating disorder started, and the rest is my present.



I was a best friend? If so I was a jealous best friend. I was jealous of her mom, her guardian that believed in her, and told us we are really special girls.

I was jealous of her school, art schools that my parents could never afford, and the adventures she had with her mom. I was jealous that her mom gave her the moon, and my only gave me her depression and flaws.

I was jealous of her self worth. I felt like none and really just wanted to be her.

That’s why I don’t know if I was a best friend or am I just wanted to be her?

Now struggle with social anxiety that I gave myself.

Now she doesn’t speak to me, because I kinda resented her and made her feel awful. Now I’m her toxic past that she writes posts about.

I’m basically now an internet stalker because I just want to look at her, no matter how much it hurts.

I just want to wish her marry Christmas , to made her think about me just for a second.

I just want to wish her Happy Birthday, to make up for the fact that I once forgot about her birthday.

Don’t pity me or feel sorry for me. I am the definition of toxic now. I am poisonous and I know it since 2010.

However, how to change if in this era I’m supposed to be unapologetically myself?

How to be myself If I’m an awful person?

Most importantly how to change? There is no book on that matter, believe me I looked. Everyone ends on the note, that you don’t have to change.